How Do You Show Up in Relationships?

Considering self in Relationships

I was terrified to know myself.

Throughout my childhood, considering Self was akin to selfishness. Given my Christian Conservative upbringing, we were encouraged to think solely of the needs of others. As a result, the happiness of those around me was my top priority.

But the consequence was that my soul was entirely unexplored. Those around me dictated who and how I was.

I was afraid that by dedicating time, energy, and attention to the knowing of Self, I would become self-absorbed and self-centered.

And who wants to be around someone like that?

Ultimately, I was afraid I would effectively turn others away by spending the necessary attention on knowing myself.

However, when brokenness arrives and devastates every part of your carefully constructed life, survival kicks in. You can no longer hide because, frankly, you no longer care. Getting out of bed is hard enough — fighting through the day requires every last ounce of energy.

Upon experiencing brokenness, we face a critical decision. A decision that propels us down a path destined for awakening and growth or victimhood and blame.

The former is the path of knowing the Self, turning inward, and taking up personal responsibility. The latter is the path of external focus, pointing the finger at those around us and assigning blame for why our lives are the way they are.

In response to my brokenness, I knew I must look inward for the first time. Otherwise, I would never heal. 

I saw a vision of myself 30 years from now, still broken and marked by pain and bitterness if I did not face the truth myself and assume agency to heal. 

So, I dared to know Self at the cost of disconnection from others.

To my surprise and utter delight, knowing Self has catalyzed a more significant connection than I thought possible.


My awakening to the soul within has ushered an awakening to the souls of others.

The questions I asked of myself—the complex and challenging questions that pull forth truth like a rebellious tooth stuck in its place—catalyzed conversations with others. Exploring my own soul powered the exploration of relationships. 

Below are a few questions:
Who Are You?

I love asking this simple, three-word question that is wildly profound. The answer speaks volumes of another, as every response is always different. Their answer sheds light on their value system, mission, or role in the hierarchy of their life. And, if you listen carefully, your mere response or follow-up question can guide the conversation in many directions. 

What Is One Moment That Changed You?

While their response may not be laced with vulnerability, pending the degree of intimacy you share, it opens the door to understanding “why.” We must know “Why.” The answer may be “To know another.”

What Is The Genesis Of {Fill In The Blank}?

This question intends to unpack the “Why?” behind another’s mindset, perspective, or narrative. The script we run throughout our minds is often tied to childhood experiences that shaped our worldview. To know why, we must understand the past root cause of the behavior or narrative today. 


While each of these questions deepens our understanding of another and fosters a greater dimension to conversations, they propel our knowledge of our Self. If you have yet to self-impose these questions, I encourage you to do so. 

Friends, what a beautiful thing it is: In knowing Self, we know others all the more.